Week #7: Charlie and the Series of Jokes that Aren't Funny

Returning from my hiatus, I arrive at the hotel in Newark.

Concierge: May I help you?

Me: Hi, checking in under Burke.

Concierge: I don't see it.

Me: Maybe it's under Spanelli?

Concierge: Nick?

Me: That's it!

Concierge:...but I don't know who you are.

Me: I'm Kristen Burke, I'm with the touring company that the keys are saved under. Signstage? Windwood?

Concierge: I mean, I have it here. But I mean...who ARE you?

Me:...still Kristen.

He then shrugged and literally tossed the key at me. What ever to those friendly singing bellhops from the 40's.

Shows are more fun when you have "Bros" working back stage. "Bros" are young men who travel in bands much like the ancient Inuits, except instead of seal skin coats, they wear fraternity sweatshirts and khaki shorts. They're language style is as thus:

Me: So, you all go to Frostburgh State?

Bros: Yeah

Me: A good friend of mine went there--

Bro #1: She sounds AWESOME!

Me: Yes...yes she is.

Finally, you know you're in Florida when the business men come to breakfast in khakis and flip-flops and the women wear pastel pink plaid shorts and insist that the housekeeping staff try the soy milk she demanded, while these women nod patronizingly and return to their coffee.

Take two and never call me again

Doctor: Loss of appetite, fatigue, headaches... Kristen, it looks like you're just REALLY tired. What's your normal sleep schedule?

Me: My what?

Doctor: Your normal sleep schedule?

Me: I don't understand.

Doctor: Well...explain to me your sleep patterns of the last week.

Me: Well, after losing an hour for daylight's savings time on tour, I was up all night thanks to a beeping fire alarm and some people yelling in Spanish by my door, I tried to sleep in the van but the only way to sleep is to curl yourself up around your backpack kind of like that blue painting of that guy curled around the guitar, you know which one I mean? I think it was Picasso? I dunno, I'm bad with art. So the next night I almost got some sleep but my roommate was running in from the laundry mat at 2 am which was actually just some sort of late night party shop that let her IN to the local laundry mat to wash our costumes. And then I could've slept through the next night, but there was a small earthquake. I mean I didn't really feel it, but Mark did. Do you think Deaf people are more prone to feel earthquakes? Something to look into. Anyway, our producers overbooked us, so we got to the next hotel at 2 am and had to be up at 6 am. They gave us an hour to nap in between shows, but my roommate lost her key and then the laundry had to be done the next morning at 7 am and I tried to sleep on the plane but the jet lag was terrible as was that awful DeNiro movie "Everybody's Fine" which made me want to cry infront of a planeful of strangers and that pretty much brings us up to now.

Doctor:....I think what you have is severe exhaustion.

Me: I think what I have is a career in the arts.

Scenes from a Philadelphia changing room.

Shopping in Philadelphia during spring break is like running with wildebeests in a stampede, except you're trying to go the opposite direction. Here are some conversations I heard during my much needed retail therapy:

Girl #1: That ain't a dress
Girl #2: Yes, it is!
Girl#1: No, it ain't! That's a shirt!
Girl #2: Ma'am, is this a dress?
Stranger: Yeah.
Girl #1: Aight, but you bend over and people gonna see yo' business.
Girl#2: Well ya know what? Rise and shine! And you can't wear that-you look like an oompa loompa.

And from the Express in Liberty Place.

Girl #1: Linda! Where's the baby?

I'd like to take a moment of silence for my Phillies cap. Though you were free, given to me by a snotty bride back in my awful catering days, I treasured you as if you were worth all the tacky center pieces and left over pastries I was allowed to bring home from the National Constitution Center. I hope wherever you are in the continental United States, someone is wearing you with pride, ready for opening day.

Someone also kicked my suitcase two minutes after I landed in Philly...and I smiled. I love this town.

"I'll leave you with the tv- America's nightlight."~KS