#25: Mother of Mine

My favorite part about my job is examining the types of "mom" that walk into the gym. Here is a field guide of what I've observed:

1. The New Mom (Novus Matris): Usually recognizable by wide eyes and a general sense of panic in everything they do. While they never say it, you can almost hear their minds pleading, "I have this baby. Please, tell me what to do with it." They have an amazing sense of trust, bordering on naivete for anyone who can tell them anything about the little creature attached to their $500 stroller.

2. The Main Line Mom (Pelagus Versus Matris): Ever seen a 14 month-old in skinny jeans? I have. And that's a clear signal that they're the child of a main line mom. Thin and beautiful, these women use their gym time as a social ritual, rather than a learning experience for their child. Their children are dressed just as well as their mothers, and are more like accessories than humans; much like the tiny dogs that girls used to carry around in college. 

3. The Stage Mom (Tempus Matris): Just because you're not in the theatre doesn't mean there can't be a mom in the wings. Known for sitting in on classes that parents aren't supposed to attend, they have a language pattern that involves repeating whatever the instructor has just said, only louder and directed specifically at their child. It's no doubt that their children will become superstar athletes in high school, probably harboring a secret yen to play the bassoon. 

4. The Mean Nanny and The Slacker (Vilis Matris et Ientesco): The Mean Nanny can be easily identified by the ipods adorning their ears for the entirety of their gym time. They are quick to anger, and can be agitated by even a glance in their child's direction. They spend their time lounging in one of the ball pits, encouraging their child not to participate in the daily activities. The Slacker exhibits these traits as well, but will also leave the bulk of the child-rearing responsibility to the child's older sister or brother, even if they're only five years old.

"Hope to hear from you 'Schooner' rather than later"~KS and AS in a brilliant headshot submission for The Seafarer