I was lucky enough to be taught theatre etiquette at a very young age, however I have learned a great deal more from observing audience members throughout the years.

1. Live theatre is the same as the movies. If you need to use the restroom, just stand up and walk out in the middle of act I. As your five inch heels ring out like the tell tale heart as you clomp down the stairs, don't worry about the action you miss; the person next to you can whisper the plot once you've stomped back in the theatre just before the act ends.

2. Like the movies, you don't really need to be on time. All you're going to miss is the previews, or in your case, the beginning of Act I. And really, what could be so important at the beginning of the show? Hamlet's father appears as a ghost, the Jets and the Sharks rumble, Fredric is released from piracy, blah, blah, blah. You've seen it all before, right? So go ahead and park your car, finish your phone call, and have that extra drink. We'll wait for you.

3. Sure, cell phones have been existence for over a decade now, but no need to silence yours. Those curtain speeches are merely suggestions (and you probably missed it because you came in late, right?Right.) So go ahead! Let it ring, text your boyfriend to see where the party's at post show, or heck! Just go ahead and pick it up. The telesales person on the other line would LOVE to how Truffaldino's gonna get out of this scrape!

4. Not sure if you like the show? Leave during intermission! You can surely figure out what Beckett was talking about without Act II. I mean, you already got the program to prove to your Intro to Theatre 101: Big Faces and Silly Costumes professor that you went and saw and actual live drama play show. What else do you need?

5. Made it through Act II, did you? Well, don't feel like you have to stick around. As soon as those lights are fading to black, you hit the ground running. Curtain calls are mere formalities. That artist who just spent three hours wailing over the loss of his lover and the death of his children doesn't need your applause. He's surely happier knowing you got out of the parking garage first or that you got to the restroom before the lines got really long.

"I need your eyes and ears where?...on me!"~a first grader teaches me how to make collages. Hers turned out better.