It is a universal truth that some foods just taste better when it is shaped differently. You know what I'm talking about, like when you were five and your aunt made pancakes shaped like Snoopy?. Or when you first went to school and your mom cut the crusts off your bologna and lettuce sandwiches using a star shaped cookie cutter? I think we can all agree that Reese's peanut butter cups exceed their already stellar performance in the candy universe when they are shaped like pumpkins. And, I'm sorry, but why do zebra cakes only call to me once a year, when some holiday angel decided they should be shaped like Christmas trees? My "Taste of the Nation" cookies also fall into this grouping, but that's probably because you get your daily helping of Liberty in every funfetti-y, democratic bite.

"I think it's a broken strap off of a bag. And you can have it for free. Because it's a broken strap off of a bag."~The sales lady at AIDS thrift as I looked for my Halloween costume.

Every time you think you can predict the social reactions of Philadelphian's, they find a way to turn all the furniture in your mind apartment upside down. As devotees already know, I suffered a toddler-related injury on Monday and am currently relying on crutches to get around the city (are you crying for me yet? Please send flowers and "ankle strong" bracelets to the Lantern Theater). What has surprised me is the wide range of reactions from my fellow city dwellers. Old men with canes or walkers will often make jokes like "You'll be able to predict the weather for the rest of your life!" or "Hey! We should race!". One yelled as he passed by, "Whatsamatta? You get in a fight with your boyfriend?" To which I replied, "Yeah. You should see HIM." 

My boss prefers to steal them and hop around the theatre for twenty minutes while reviewing show reports, but perhaps the most interesting response came from two boys in wife-beaters driving an old army green pick-up truck. As the light turned green on Spruce, the driver yelled "CRUTCHES SUCK!" and sped off. Now, color me confused (crayola #62), but I can't figure out what his intentions were. Was he saying that he could relate to my plight? Was he saying that I in fact suck for being on crutches? Or was he simply saying that he's against crutches as a product of the medical industry? I guess I'll never know. I couldn't run after the truck fast enough. 

"It was like autumn exploded in my mouth"~JB on Dunkin Donuts pumkin muffins.

#33: Stories from the Box: Part 1

Saturday night shows bring out the crazy in Philadelphia theatre goers. After scrambling to get everyone in the theater after they all decided to show up at exactly 8:00 pm (not counting the couple who came in 20 minutes late), I thought selling concessions during intermission would be easier. A woman approached the counter with her daughter and her husband. 

Mom: "Whaddya want? You want to split a cookie with me?"
Daughter: "Not really."
Mom: "Well, whaddya want?"
Daughter: "Can I get a Reese's?"
Mom: "No, because you haven't had your dinner yet. Whaddya want? Ya wanna split a cookie with me?"
Daughter: "No...how about Combos?"
Me: "Combos? Two dollars."
Mom: "No, she doesn't need that, because she hasn't had her dinner. Ya wanna split a cookie?"
Daughter: "No."
Mom: "I'll take a cookie and a coffee."

Five minutes pass, during which I leave for thirty seconds to get change from the box office, and the patrons decided it was appropriate to help themselves to the concession stand and just throw dollar bills behind the counter as payment. Finally, act II is about to begin.

Mom: "Do I have to throw this (coffee) out?"
Me: "If you want to leave it, I'll take care of it."
Mom: (to the house manager) "Do I have to throw this coffee that I just bought away?"
HM: "You have about two minutes."
Mom: "So, there's no way I can take it into the theater with me"
HM: "No, I'm sorry"
Woman: "Can I leave it out here and get it later?"

Mind you, this is a half-full dixie cup of crappy coffee we're talking about.

Me: "...yeah. sure."

#32: Global Warming on the Broad Street Line

I've discovered that I hate CCP even more during the day than I did this summer at night. While pushing my way on to the Broad Street Line, finger-spelling in my nerdy way, I realized that we were in the presence of the patented Subway Crazy. A Subway Crazy is someone who rides the subway not to get from point A to point B, but so they can shout their opinions on poverty, Obama, and white oppression. This particular Crazy was not dressed in the standard mustard-stained wife beater, but a neatly pressed black suit. His diatribe was as follows:

"You all ruined it. You messed it up. It's all messed up. We were better off before. When things were fair. Nothing's fair anymore."

Now, who he was talking about, I'm not sure. I assume, this particular subway car. Although, I find it difficult to believe that one car full of people could ruin the economy for the rest of the nation. A man behind me was on his cell phone and said "I don't care." Mishearing, the Crazy shouted out:

"Polar Bears?! The polar bears don't know what to do! The ain't got no where to walk. They can't walk no more. It's all melted. We were better as cavemans. Cavemen knew what they were doing. They didn't have no problems like we do."

Except, of course, for those damn saber-tooth tigers, but why ruin his dreams? 

"Mike: I'm not gonna write you a love song.
MF: Why not?
Mike: Because you asked for one."

#31: Seeing Stars

My evening jog was interupted by a crowd of Philadelphians staring at the Union Trust building last night. Well aware that Paul Rudd, Reese Witherspoon, and Jack Nicholson are all shooting in our fair city right now, I decided to pause to rubberneck with the rest of the group. I waited for far longer than I would've cared to, listening to whispers of who was in there. One lady swore she saw Reese Witherspoon get out of the car. One was shouting "Hurry up! My dog's are hungry!". One was singing gospel hyms and preaching about the end of the world I'm not sure he was there for the movie. Let it be known that chanting "Move that bus!" when Septa blocks your view, is only slightly amusing the first time and loses all of it's novelty if you use it EVERY time a bus goes down Chestnut. My annoyance led me to move towards a new reporter from Fox 29 where the following interaction took place:

Peculiar young man: Is this part of the job description? I mean, waiting around and stuff?

Woman news reporter: We are working. 

Young Man: So it's the job. Do you get to meet the celebrities.

Reporter: Nope.

Young Man: Oh, that's cool. I mean, I'm in the Army. So you know, we're used to waiting around and stuff. I understand that.

Reporter: (Silence)

Young man: I'm not bothering you am I?

Reporter: No, it's just we're working and your hottie is getting picked up.

Young man: Oh! (Runs after the girl he was walking with who is now flirting with some random guy on the street)

That was enough for me, and I went home un-star struck. Luckily, I know where Paul Rudd buys his coffee ;)

"Must be the Bucket List"~Some foreign guy when the riggers dropped a bucket down for some water. Gotta admit, I chuckled.