Week 2- Making your peace with it

There's a billboard in Akron, OH that says "Get a vasectomy during March Madness, Win a Free Pizza!" First question, what is the connection between a vasectomy (a procedure for men who don't wish to have any more children) and March Madness (I believe this refers to basketball, but honestly, I stopped watching basketball after Shaq left the Orlando Magic)? Second question, why is a free pizza an appropriate incentive to get a vasectomy? "Yeah man, actually I really wanted to have two more kids...but then they offered me a free pizza..."

Two children are running up the stairs of the church towards a group of teens:

child #1: I'm not a man. I'm a WOMAN!
child #2: Oh, yeah? When you gonna have a baby!
(Teens chuckle)
teen #1: Ha! 'When You gonna have a baby!' Remember that?
teen #2:...It happened 30 seconds ago.

If Patti LuPone and Mandy Pitinkin call you on stage to do a kick line while you're signing, you say "how high"?

Whenever there's an awkward pause onstage, the appropriate response is to rush the stage like chimpanzees and have a giant MONKEY FIGHT!

"This stapler is my brush."~Craig on the lack of supplies at the Akron Museum of Art Craft station.

Identity Crisis

So lately, some one has been trying to steal my identity. Stuff stolen, accounts hacked, etc. But I feel I should warn them, that beneath all the inherent awesomeness that is me, it's not always easy being Kristen...

I'm the kind of girl who goes to a petting zoo only to be run down my a bull and have it crush my left foot.

I'm the kind of girl who gets back on the horse, only to be bucked off twice more.

I'm the kind of girl who at the age of three, thought dogs should live in the wild and so released her neighbors terrier yelling "Go! Run free with your kin!" (or ya know, the three year old version of that)

I'm the kind of girl who gets robbed by a one-legged man named Gomez on the King Kong ride at Universal Sutdios.

I'm the kind of girl who at the age of five thought the cartoon about the flying fish did not teach us to try, try again...but taught us that if we jumped off enough high things, humans could fly too.

I'm the girl who goes to girl scout camp in a tornado.


I'm the kind of girl who ends up in a California king sized bed in Ohio...with no pillows.

I'm the kind of girl who tells her date she used to not pay for cable, only to find out he works for Comcast.

I'm the kind of girl who gets her finger shut in a mousetrap much like Tom in Tom and Jerry.

I'm the kind of girl who borrows heels from the costume shop for an event, without realizing there are taps on the bottom. Damn tile floors.

I'm the kind of girl who at the age of 10, put cumin on applesauce, because I thought the jar said cinnamon.

I'm the king of girl who ends up on crutches the day SEPTA decides to strike.

So there you go, guy. Just a couple of things I should warn you about before you decide to be me. Please do not pity me, for I am in fact superfly, but with excellence comes clumsiness. There are more that my readers are sure to attest to, but it's breakfast time, and I'm sure this will get you started. Hugs and kisses from me to me.

"I didn't write it"~A throw back to JM on acting the text.

Week 1- A Winter in Ohio

#40: Week One- A Winter in OhioShare

Ways to look stupid in Cleveland, Ohio:

The ASL sign for "depends" is dangerously close to the sign for "bacon". For example, the other day I signed "I'm gonna have to bacon on you for this one." "Jacket" also looks like "monkey". IE "Well, let's all put on our monkeys and search for the golden ticket". Finally, the sign for "recent" is very close to the sign for "sexy". IE "This, Charlie, is my sexiest invention..."

Don't forget to interpret for the Deaf actors. It will cause them to sign from across the room "Hello?! Remember me? I'M DEAF!"

When your boss tells you they found a giant eagle in their car, try and stifle the urge to jump and say "Wow! How did it get IN there?!" It will make you feel pretty stupid when you realize Giant Eagle is a popular local grocery store.

"Women don't control the world; they just control the men who control the world"~The old man who decided to shuffle up to me in the grocery store today. He didn't say anything else and he didn't buy anything, so this must be some kind of Sunday night ritual.

How Not to Spend Valentine's Day

So, you're trying to take a girl out for a romantic evening in Akron, OH, huh? Well, Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday, and Sunday is for the Lord, so that might be a problem. Well, Red Fox Bar and Grille is open...sort of. If your honey has her ID stolen, she's not gonna be able to drink. Not to worry! The waitress says the cook doesn't come into work, but she can turn on the fryer and make you "Burgers or anything fried." Oh..your date's a vegetarian? Well, that's ok. The waitress will go out back and "see if she can find any vegetables in the ice box she can fry up". As you ponder the five year old waiting for his birthday party in the pool hall, when there IS a McDonald's playplace two steps away, the waitress will no doubt return, her venture proving fruitless. Hm. Ok...well, there's a Mexican restaurant across the street! El Churro-it looks like a cross between an El Azteca and a giant clown convention. But hey, they have $2 margaritas! Your date will like that!...Except it's Sunday...and Sunday is for the Lord...and they can't sell alcohol. Hm...Well, I know this seems like a frustrating Valentine's Day, but there ARE endless chips and salsa and who knows? You may just get yourself a balloon animal!

Mandatory mood-lighting will be created when you blow a fuse trying to plug in two heaters at once on the second floor.

"Hm, there's the other half of the bath"~C and I explore our surroundings.

Love and Educational Psychology

My favorite Valentine`s Day Fable:

Me: Happy Valentine`s Day, Dr V!

Proffesor: Why, thank you!

Yvette: Dya get you girlfriend anything?

Prof: I gave her a text message.

Yvette:...a text message? what did it say?

Prof: HVD

Me: What?

Prof: you know, happy valentine`s day.

Me: That`s not how you say happy valentine`s day! That just sounds like you gave her a venerial disease!

HVD everyone! Follow the pancake on the road as I travel cross country. See you in Cleveland!

Tales fromt he Box: Part II

The box office preparing for a snow storm:

Me: Hi, thisisKristenhowcanIhelpyou?

Woman: Hi, I'd like to exchange my tickets from Saturday to next week.

Me: Sure, I can do that for you.

Woman: Sorry, it's just that with the snow..

Me: No, I completely understand. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, either.

Woman: Well, here's whatcha do, you go out and find yourself a cute man. Then, you bring him home and keep him warm all weekend!

Me: Ha! I better start looking then.

Woman: I know!

Me: I mean, what am I still talking to you for?

Woman: Right! KRISTEN, get OFF the PHONE!

#36: If it takes a village, we're all idiots.

As I approach my one year anniversary with, and appropriately enough, hiatus from the Philly Kids Gym, I feel it important to review what we've learned this year. Consider this your study guide for the SATS.

1. When it comes to things that require a parent's immediate attention: Gucci > Baby.

2. There are several breeds of nannies: over-protective, future super moms, jaded hipsters (that's redundant), women who make me regret never learning Spanish (or Portugese, for that matter), cool Upenn students, and girls who apparently think they can choke me just by glaring into my soul (much like Darth Vader).

3. 16 months: the appropriate age to start popping your sons collar.

4. Bubble time: The great equalizer.

5. Bouncy balls are to babies, as oil is to the US. One baby totally Shawshank Redemptioned me by hiding in the tunnel with on all class.

6. Soccer net = baby hammock

7. Hockey is the absolute worst sport to teach a three year old. Here! Run with this stick!

8. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a baby to tumble, and he'll spend the rest of the hour doing "downward dog", waiting patiently for someone to flip him over.

9. Babies are excellent at the guido fist pump. The best song to teach babies to dance is "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. The worst is "C'mon ride the Train"...didn't really realize how dirty that song is til I put it on the mix...

10. It's important not to be too good at this job. You may inspire four year-olds to yell "I want to work at the Philly Kids Gym!" in a round that rivals the famous "I am Spartacus!" scenario. Oops.

"Bats don't like peguins"~four-year old on zoology.