Unequal Opportunity Employers

Hi, I'm Kristen Burke. You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight laughing at Mario Lopez's Saved by the Bell haircut (mullet or jerry-curl? you decide). But you know what's not funny? Discrimination against vegetarians. While applying for waitressing jobs, vegetarians everywhere are being turned away at establishments like Zot in Old City. This restaurant claims it cannot hire servers who cannot taste their delicacies which include kangaroo, ostrich, and black bear. Now, most vegetarians would probably be against working at a place that serves entrees that could be from the endangered species list, but still it's the principal of the thing! Vegetarians should be able to serve Sea Turtle Omelets or Siberian Tiger Filets just like anyone else!

When a Stranger Calls

I was waiting for my ride at the Westmont PATCO station, when I discovered a cell phone sitting on the bench. Knowing the crippling effects of losing one's cell phone, I picked it up and scanned through the contacts until I landed on "Mom". A woman picked up, "Hello?"

Me: "Hello, my name is Kristen Burke, and I found this cell phone at the Westmont PATCO station. I dialed the number that said 'Mom'"

Mom: "Oh, I don't know whose that could be."

Me: "...Huh. Well...there's a picture of a woman and young boy on the phone."

Mom:  "Oh! Maybe it's my son's!"

Me: "...y-yes. That sounds right."

Mom: "Where are you? I'm in Long Island."

Me: "Well, I'm in New Jersey, and I'm going to leave the phone with an attendant here."

Mom: "Ok...hmmm"

Me: "Could you call your son at home and let him know where it is?"

Mom: "Oh, Ok! Yeah! I could do that."

Me: "Greeeaat."

On another topic, I believe cling wrap is one of the biggest lies in this country. 

Where Fun Goes to Die

Hey, you! Yes, YOU! Are you between the ages of 23 and 37? Do you feel no need to leave your college days behind you? Then come to scenic Manayunk! Here you can relive all the worst moments of your early 20's. Come stand in line for an overrated club with girls wearing tube tops and booty shorts in 40 degree weather. Enjoy being hit on by complete tools who think you care how they're going to climb the corporate ladder in the dry cleaning industry. Get stared down by girls with low self-esteem who are trying oh-so-very hard. If this sounds like the place you wanna be, take a 30 minute cab ride out of the city and come to a place where desperation is palpable and being pathetic never goes out of style. I guarantee you, you will never want to leave; and you probably won't be able to anyway since the train stops at midnight. 

Flight Patterns

There were about ten people in front of me and a zillion people behind me in the security line at the Philadelphia Airport. I blame this on the fact that there was no expert flyer line for professional travelers such as myself. Suddenly, the security guard suddenly decided to lift one of those black ropes, as if opening the golden gates of heaven. Yes! I silently cried. Surely, today I had chosen the right line. I mean, she basically opened this x-ray machine just for me! Clearly, she can recognize people who are experienced in airport security protocol and realized that I should not have to wait behind these "casual flyers". Alas, as I followed the three girls into this imagined VIP line, it became apparent that these women were not just "casual flyers", but "never-been-on-one-of-these-flying-machines-in-my- life flyers". "Oh, wait, I left my laptop in there!" "Oh, I have to take off my shoes?" "I didn't bring a bag for my liquids" "Wait, where's my boarding pass". As I stood there, shoes in hand, coat off, freezer bag of make-up in hand, invisible tears rained in my heart as I watched people sail through the original line as if they had a fast pass at Disney. Good grief.

"Now we're talking with gas."~BVH on attitude of meaning...or something.

Like it? I love it! I lost a limb for it at Ross!

Entering the Ross on Market Street is like walking the fine line between Grand Central Station and the left wing of Arkham Asylum. Not the wing where the Joker, Catwoman, and Chris O'Donnel's acting career are sitting and pondering their next evil plan until the next Batman movie, but the wing where the average Gothamians (Gothamers? Gothamites?) are hitting themselves in the faces with hand mirrors and eating their own playing cards (shout out to Good Burger). Last time I was there, I was followed down Market Street by a woman screaming at me insisting that Asian girls, such as myself, are taking all the jobs in this country. After insisting that she could HAVE my job serving cold cous-cous balls to Republicans if she wanted it, I ducked into the store. All I needed to do was make a return, but dedicated fans will remember that I ALWAYS choose the wrong line. This time I was stuck for twenty minutes while two women in front of me negotiated the price of their ice cream scoop, novelty Santa platters, 4 tea lights, a fake crystal decanter, and a medium sized porcelain Rooster which the cashier refused to wrap for them. Although, I frankly feel that if it gets broken in their travels, it's probably for the best in this best of all possible worlds.

"1...2...3...and we're on a ship/the men have left/yes they did yes they did/and now...we go...to the party"~SR counting out dance steps

"As they say in LA 'Perfection is expected.' But this is Philly. Where perfection is 'aight"~SR on performance.

Under Pressure

I managed to watch half of Mannequin, Stomp the Yard, and Sydney White all in one evening. All I learned is that Kim Catrell has not aged a day in 20 years, and no one appreciates it when you point out every spot you recognize in a movie that was filmed on your college campus.

As an actor, when all the rejection and the day jobs and the ennui start to get to you it's important to remember this: Brad Pitt once handed out flyers in a Chicken Suit, Jerry Seinfeld sold light bulbs over the phone and Laurence Fishburn started out as the cowboy on Pee Wee's Playhouse.

"Whose town is it?"~The caption for a community theater production of Our Town. 

Adventures in Catering: Part 1

Things I've learned while catering...

1. When serving Mr. Gorbachev, be sure to look both ways before you cross the street. Otherwise, you will be steamrolled by eight traditional Russian dancers.

2. Do not naturally assume the young woman with the aging baseball star is his daughter. It is probably his girlfriend. The less attractive girl of the same age standing to their left with the look of disgust on her face? Now THAT is his daughter.

3. Walking closely behind someone's chair while carrying a full glass of water will make you an unwilling participant in a wet t-shirt contest.

4. The minky pepper may look like a string bean but is actually a vegetable medley of instant death. The only cure is banana or cantaloupe, but mango ice creak is a close second.

5. Never stop by a puddle on the street while carrying a cardboard box of muffins and wearing a tuxedo. Monsoon will ensue.

6. Old men can make infinite jokes at your expense when you are carrying "Mushroom Tarts."

7. No one likes Black Bean Sliders.

"What a mediocre party. What an OK gathering of people. They look like they are having a...fine time."~Len and I on lame parties.

No time to say hello; Goodbye!

The other day I ran past a man walking down Sansom in a bowler hat, suit and vest, with a pocket watch on a chain. He had a white, bushy beard and a sour disposition. If anyone doubted the existence of time travel, I'm pretty sure this guy would've proved him wrong. Honestly, how long has it been since you've seen a bowler hat and pocket watch incorporated in everyday apparel?

"For a show with no set and no props, this show sure has a big set and a lot of props"~JW on minimalism. 

Snorkledork

The thing about Bermuda is...

1. It's a British colony, but the currency is US dollars or Bermudian money...but it doesn't really matter, because it's all going out of your pocket with one round of drinks.

2. Beyonce Knowles may walk right by you! Solange will too, but no one likes her.

3. Steve Harvey does his radio show from your hotel...but you're not sure if you're allowed to laugh at his jokes...

4. Things that are fried are called "Golden Delights" but that's ok, because you can just tuck them in your "Leprechaun Purse".

5. If a hotel worker says, "Good morning!" They will not respond to your request until you first say "Good morning" back. This makes for an awkward exchange when you're trying to find the bathroom.

If found...

If you find a Tiffany bracelet on the floor of the bathroom, should you REALLY return it to Tiffany's in NYC? That IS what the charm says to do. Instead, I gave it to the lost and found. Somehow, a cardboard box filled with lost sweatshirts and lunch boxes seems like an inappropriate place to store such an expensive bracelet.

I took the the trolley today for the first time. It's not nearly as whimsical as I thought it would be. there are no candied apples or whistles or Judy Garlands. It's really just a nasty, underground bus. AND the people of West Philadephia would not join me in singing Clang, Clang, Clang went the Trolley. Altogether, a very disappointing experience. 

You know what I hate? Couples that go to auditions together. Gross.

"You better not let anyone double dip!"~some lady who ate, like, three plates of hor d'oeuvres at the banquet tonight.