Tales fromt he Box: Part II

The box office preparing for a snow storm:

Me: Hi, thisisKristenhowcanIhelpyou?

Woman: Hi, I'd like to exchange my tickets from Saturday to next week.

Me: Sure, I can do that for you.

Woman: Sorry, it's just that with the snow..

Me: No, I completely understand. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, either.

Woman: Well, here's whatcha do, you go out and find yourself a cute man. Then, you bring him home and keep him warm all weekend!

Me: Ha! I better start looking then.

Woman: I know!

Me: I mean, what am I still talking to you for?

Woman: Right! KRISTEN, get OFF the PHONE!

#36: If it takes a village, we're all idiots.

As I approach my one year anniversary with, and appropriately enough, hiatus from the Philly Kids Gym, I feel it important to review what we've learned this year. Consider this your study guide for the SATS.

1. When it comes to things that require a parent's immediate attention: Gucci > Baby.

2. There are several breeds of nannies: over-protective, future super moms, jaded hipsters (that's redundant), women who make me regret never learning Spanish (or Portugese, for that matter), cool Upenn students, and girls who apparently think they can choke me just by glaring into my soul (much like Darth Vader).

3. 16 months: the appropriate age to start popping your sons collar.

4. Bubble time: The great equalizer.

5. Bouncy balls are to babies, as oil is to the US. One baby totally Shawshank Redemptioned me by hiding in the tunnel with on all class.

6. Soccer net = baby hammock

7. Hockey is the absolute worst sport to teach a three year old. Here! Run with this stick!

8. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a baby to tumble, and he'll spend the rest of the hour doing "downward dog", waiting patiently for someone to flip him over.

9. Babies are excellent at the guido fist pump. The best song to teach babies to dance is "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. The worst is "C'mon ride the Train"...didn't really realize how dirty that song is til I put it on the mix...

10. It's important not to be too good at this job. You may inspire four year-olds to yell "I want to work at the Philly Kids Gym!" in a round that rivals the famous "I am Spartacus!" scenario. Oops.

"Bats don't like peguins"~four-year old on zoology.

Up the Down Escalator

In Manhattan, there are many ways to occupy your time while waiting for your bus. I usually dip one of my many Starbucks gift cards, just so I might be allowed to use their restrooms. Or perhaps, I'll stop in a hotel lobby and pretend I'm a guest, just so I can change into walking shoes. I've even been known to run through the giant Toys R Us, just so I can experience the joy of running through the giant Toys R Us. Today, however, I chose the Madison Square Garden Borders. Wandering aimlessly through the other travelers, I hopped on the escalator to the second floor. Suddenly, the man on downward escalator spit. Now, I'm not horrified by spit in the normal sense. On a scale from 1 to Tiger Wood's sex partners, it ranks about a four on the grossometer. On the street, in the grass, on a Yankee's fan, all fine! But this man was INDOORS. In a BORDERS! I mean, is nothing sacred? Given it was on an escalator, but still! As I approached the second floor, a serious, gray looking man stood before me.

Man: Welcome to the second floor.

Me: Thank you...glad to be here.

Man: The EXCITING second floor.

Me: No, I can tell...It's the place to be.

Man: Ya think?

Me: I do think.

A tip when trying to find a place to sit and read in the Madison Square Garden Borders...there's never anybody in the Christian Fiction aisle.

Waiting for theatres to call you is like waiting for a cute boy to call you...except a million times worse.

"Me: Hey man, want some fries?
Drunk Irish Dude: No thanks. I'm driving"

Hearts Stars and Horseshoes

I am fully aware of all the Lucky Charms marshmallow shapes. From childhood, we have their names drilled into our heads far better than the state capitols or the names of the planets (RIP Pluto). From the original shapes (such as the horseshoe) to the more recent (such as the rainbow, which is actually just a horseshoe painted differently) we can all pretty much recite them. What I want to know is what the "oat" parts of the cereal are supposed to be shaped like. Neglected and ignored over the years, the actual cereal in this cereal seems to be shaped as bells, clubs, and fish. Are we really so infatuated with the marshmallows that we are resolved to create the oats in shapes not even worthy of the Kellog's JV team? Do these shapes represent something that when put in the right order symbolize the key to our pasts? Someone call Nick Cage, I've got another movie for him.

"Merry Christmas, Miss Kristen! Here's your present. It's a card and some money. Because grown-ups like money."~Four year old twins.

I was lucky enough to be taught theatre etiquette at a very young age, however I have learned a great deal more from observing audience members throughout the years.

1. Live theatre is the same as the movies. If you need to use the restroom, just stand up and walk out in the middle of act I. As your five inch heels ring out like the tell tale heart as you clomp down the stairs, don't worry about the action you miss; the person next to you can whisper the plot once you've stomped back in the theatre just before the act ends.

2. Like the movies, you don't really need to be on time. All you're going to miss is the previews, or in your case, the beginning of Act I. And really, what could be so important at the beginning of the show? Hamlet's father appears as a ghost, the Jets and the Sharks rumble, Fredric is released from piracy, blah, blah, blah. You've seen it all before, right? So go ahead and park your car, finish your phone call, and have that extra drink. We'll wait for you.

3. Sure, cell phones have been existence for over a decade now, but no need to silence yours. Those curtain speeches are merely suggestions (and you probably missed it because you came in late, right?Right.) So go ahead! Let it ring, text your boyfriend to see where the party's at post show, or heck! Just go ahead and pick it up. The telesales person on the other line would LOVE to how Truffaldino's gonna get out of this scrape!

4. Not sure if you like the show? Leave during intermission! You can surely figure out what Beckett was talking about without Act II. I mean, you already got the program to prove to your Intro to Theatre 101: Big Faces and Silly Costumes professor that you went and saw and actual live drama play show. What else do you need?

5. Made it through Act II, did you? Well, don't feel like you have to stick around. As soon as those lights are fading to black, you hit the ground running. Curtain calls are mere formalities. That artist who just spent three hours wailing over the loss of his lover and the death of his children doesn't need your applause. He's surely happier knowing you got out of the parking garage first or that you got to the restroom before the lines got really long.

"I need your eyes and ears where?...on me!"~a first grader teaches me how to make collages. Hers turned out better.

It is a universal truth that some foods just taste better when it is shaped differently. You know what I'm talking about, like when you were five and your aunt made pancakes shaped like Snoopy?. Or when you first went to school and your mom cut the crusts off your bologna and lettuce sandwiches using a star shaped cookie cutter? I think we can all agree that Reese's peanut butter cups exceed their already stellar performance in the candy universe when they are shaped like pumpkins. And, I'm sorry, but why do zebra cakes only call to me once a year, when some holiday angel decided they should be shaped like Christmas trees? My "Taste of the Nation" cookies also fall into this grouping, but that's probably because you get your daily helping of Liberty in every funfetti-y, democratic bite.

"I think it's a broken strap off of a bag. And you can have it for free. Because it's a broken strap off of a bag."~The sales lady at AIDS thrift as I looked for my Halloween costume.

Every time you think you can predict the social reactions of Philadelphian's, they find a way to turn all the furniture in your mind apartment upside down. As devotees already know, I suffered a toddler-related injury on Monday and am currently relying on crutches to get around the city (are you crying for me yet? Please send flowers and "ankle strong" bracelets to the Lantern Theater). What has surprised me is the wide range of reactions from my fellow city dwellers. Old men with canes or walkers will often make jokes like "You'll be able to predict the weather for the rest of your life!" or "Hey! We should race!". One yelled as he passed by, "Whatsamatta? You get in a fight with your boyfriend?" To which I replied, "Yeah. You should see HIM." 

My boss prefers to steal them and hop around the theatre for twenty minutes while reviewing show reports, but perhaps the most interesting response came from two boys in wife-beaters driving an old army green pick-up truck. As the light turned green on Spruce, the driver yelled "CRUTCHES SUCK!" and sped off. Now, color me confused (crayola #62), but I can't figure out what his intentions were. Was he saying that he could relate to my plight? Was he saying that I in fact suck for being on crutches? Or was he simply saying that he's against crutches as a product of the medical industry? I guess I'll never know. I couldn't run after the truck fast enough. 

"It was like autumn exploded in my mouth"~JB on Dunkin Donuts pumkin muffins.

#33: Stories from the Box: Part 1

Saturday night shows bring out the crazy in Philadelphia theatre goers. After scrambling to get everyone in the theater after they all decided to show up at exactly 8:00 pm (not counting the couple who came in 20 minutes late), I thought selling concessions during intermission would be easier. A woman approached the counter with her daughter and her husband. 

Mom: "Whaddya want? You want to split a cookie with me?"
Daughter: "Not really."
Mom: "Well, whaddya want?"
Daughter: "Can I get a Reese's?"
Mom: "No, because you haven't had your dinner yet. Whaddya want? Ya wanna split a cookie with me?"
Daughter: "No...how about Combos?"
Me: "Combos? Two dollars."
Mom: "No, she doesn't need that, because she hasn't had her dinner. Ya wanna split a cookie?"
Daughter: "No."
Mom: "I'll take a cookie and a coffee."

Five minutes pass, during which I leave for thirty seconds to get change from the box office, and the patrons decided it was appropriate to help themselves to the concession stand and just throw dollar bills behind the counter as payment. Finally, act II is about to begin.

Mom: "Do I have to throw this (coffee) out?"
Me: "If you want to leave it, I'll take care of it."
Mom: (to the house manager) "Do I have to throw this coffee that I just bought away?"
HM: "You have about two minutes."
Mom: "So, there's no way I can take it into the theater with me"
HM: "No, I'm sorry"
Woman: "Can I leave it out here and get it later?"

Mind you, this is a half-full dixie cup of crappy coffee we're talking about.

Me: "...yeah. sure."

#32: Global Warming on the Broad Street Line

I've discovered that I hate CCP even more during the day than I did this summer at night. While pushing my way on to the Broad Street Line, finger-spelling in my nerdy way, I realized that we were in the presence of the patented Subway Crazy. A Subway Crazy is someone who rides the subway not to get from point A to point B, but so they can shout their opinions on poverty, Obama, and white oppression. This particular Crazy was not dressed in the standard mustard-stained wife beater, but a neatly pressed black suit. His diatribe was as follows:

"You all ruined it. You messed it up. It's all messed up. We were better off before. When things were fair. Nothing's fair anymore."

Now, who he was talking about, I'm not sure. I assume, this particular subway car. Although, I find it difficult to believe that one car full of people could ruin the economy for the rest of the nation. A man behind me was on his cell phone and said "I don't care." Mishearing, the Crazy shouted out:

"Polar Bears?! The polar bears don't know what to do! The ain't got no where to walk. They can't walk no more. It's all melted. We were better as cavemans. Cavemen knew what they were doing. They didn't have no problems like we do."

Except, of course, for those damn saber-tooth tigers, but why ruin his dreams? 

"Mike: I'm not gonna write you a love song.
MF: Why not?
Mike: Because you asked for one."

#31: Seeing Stars

My evening jog was interupted by a crowd of Philadelphians staring at the Union Trust building last night. Well aware that Paul Rudd, Reese Witherspoon, and Jack Nicholson are all shooting in our fair city right now, I decided to pause to rubberneck with the rest of the group. I waited for far longer than I would've cared to, listening to whispers of who was in there. One lady swore she saw Reese Witherspoon get out of the car. One was shouting "Hurry up! My dog's are hungry!". One was singing gospel hyms and preaching about the end of the world I'm not sure he was there for the movie. Let it be known that chanting "Move that bus!" when Septa blocks your view, is only slightly amusing the first time and loses all of it's novelty if you use it EVERY time a bus goes down Chestnut. My annoyance led me to move towards a new reporter from Fox 29 where the following interaction took place:

Peculiar young man: Is this part of the job description? I mean, waiting around and stuff?

Woman news reporter: We are working. 

Young Man: So it's the job. Do you get to meet the celebrities.

Reporter: Nope.

Young Man: Oh, that's cool. I mean, I'm in the Army. So you know, we're used to waiting around and stuff. I understand that.

Reporter: (Silence)

Young man: I'm not bothering you am I?

Reporter: No, it's just we're working and your hottie is getting picked up.

Young man: Oh! (Runs after the girl he was walking with who is now flirting with some random guy on the street)

That was enough for me, and I went home un-star struck. Luckily, I know where Paul Rudd buys his coffee ;)

"Must be the Bucket List"~Some foreign guy when the riggers dropped a bucket down for some water. Gotta admit, I chuckled.